PPCing from response center 72: The Rubyflame file
by those vaguely akin to humanity
Summary: COMPLETE Come and read tales of woe and Suekilling from the files of Response Center 72. Agent Myth's new to this. Agent Isabel's not. Care to see who's more effective?
1. Prologue

Disclaimer-We own nothing you even vaguely recognize, including but not limited to JRR Tolkien's creations, the necromancy bells and the Abhorsen trilogy (who belong to Garth Nix), and the Keltiad to Patricia Kenneally-Morrison. Nor do we own the PPC, we just work there. The 'Sue and her story belong to LifeMistressGreenleaf.

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**Prologue **

Newly recruited Agent Mithrenriene Rochmabriel walked straight up to response center #72 (at least, she assumed it was #72), knocked briskly three times, snapped her fingers once, and entered. Had said agent spared a glance for the room, she would have noted a single inhabitant and surprisingly many items of interest. Instead of sparing that glance (as any assassin worth his/ her salt should and/ or would) she came in muttering about being surrounded by gray, stopped in the center of the room, and stared at the ceiling with her index finger held to her lips.

"Can I help you?" asked the lonely inhabitant.

Mithrenriene gave a strangled yelp and spun. Or, tried to. What she actually ended up with was a sort of twist/ fall motion that sent her slamming into an antique-ish vase holder, which naturally hit something else (in this case a tall, freestanding lamp), which, just as naturally and with an evil cackle, fell into the computer.

"Chriesta Tighearna!" cried the new recruit.

"Kreesty Tigwhata?"

"It's actually Kry-es-tah Tig-hair-nah, but your way works too. I'm Agent Mithrenriene Rochmabriel, your new partner. I think. This _is_ response center number seventy-two, is it not? And you _are_ Agent Isabel Stanton, are you not?" Mithrenriene said this all very quickly, so all Agent Isabel caught was the correct pronunciation of Chriesta Tighearna, the woman's name, and something about number seventy-two.

"Could you talk a bit slower, umm… Mithrenriene, wasn't it? Can I call you Myth?"

"Yes to all three questions. You could also call me Ren, Rien, Riene, or any other abbreviated version of my name except Ree-Ree. I hate that one." Here Mithrenriene (hereafter known as Myth, Ren, Rien, Riene, or any other abbreviated version of her name except Ree-Ree. Unless, of course, the Flowers that Be get really pissed off at her.) began picking up the various floored items, hoping against all reasonable hope that nothing was bent, cracked, chipped, or in any other way damaged. Then she went quiet again, cocking her head to the side and staring at (or through) the wall.

"Soo… what does Cry- Chriesta Tighearna mean, anyway?" Isabel asked, in an effort to keep the conversation going.

"Hmm? Oh, it means Lord Christ in The Keltiad keltic."

"What's the difference?"

"Pardon?"

What's the difference between The Keltiad keltic and regular celtic?"

"One is spelled with a K, and the other with a C, to avoid pronunciation problems." Myth replied, actually looking at Isabel for the first time. She saw short hair, maybe a shade darker and a little bit longer than her own, on a five foot five body with brown eyes that looked as though they could spot a Sue a mile off.

"ookaay…" Despite Isabel's best efforts, there was another silence.

beep.

"What was that?" asked Myth.

"What was what?"

BEEP!

"Merde!" Isabel spat as she stalked over to the computer monitor and scanned the text. When she finished reading it, her body stiffened and her eyes narrowed.  
"Is this the part where I say, 'that bad, huh?'" Myth asked, "because I'm kinda new to this."

Without turning around, Isabel replied,

"You. Have no. Idea." She visibly calmed herself, and then asked Myth, "Would you open a portal, if you know how? I'll start pulling stuff together."

Myth snorted.

"Me? Open a portal?"  
Isabel looked at her with the Fire-Starting Glare of Extreme Huffiness, taught to her when she had worked the Harry Potter canon.  
"Okay, fine, so I do know how. Hang on a sec." she fiddled with the generator

The more experienced agent strode over to a cabinet and threw open the doors, revealing a set of shelves crammed with various lethal-looking weapons, with a few rubber duckies and bouquets of flowers thrown into the mix. She pulled two knapsacks from the sea of sharp objects and began packing them with the items needed for their upcoming "voyage."  
"Crossbow, arsenic, bubotuber pus, rubber ducky, C.A.D... What else?" Isabel muttered as she managed to fit an astounding amount of crap into each bag. "Oh yeah!" She dropped the sacks and ran over to her desk, pulling out a CD player and several CDs. Running back to the sacks, she asked Myth, "You got a CD player? You'll want one, I assure you. If you don't have one, I can lend you one. And have you got that portal open yet?" Myth wasn't the only one who could talk fast, it seemed.

"I do have a CD player. And my Atlas of Pern to keep me occupied. I also have my own bag. Got it off a Sue on a training mission. It's one of those weird ones that hold anything, anything at all, with hardly any weight felt. Want an 'Elrond is married, get over it' flag?"

"Please. Are we ready to go?"

"Almost. Except, you added bubotuber pus. That isn't canonical."

"True... I just won't use it then. Shall we?" The agent bounded towards the forming portal, full of desire to maim this 'Sue.

"We'll be Random Elves." said Isabel as they leapt through the portal.

"LifeMistressGreenleaf? Legolustbunnies ahoy!" Myth cried, in a fine humor thus far, as none of her Lust objects seemed to be targeted.

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_Myth's A/N: _This sue will be nasty. NO QUOTATION MARKS! And, sorry we deleted the story yet _again, _but we found several errors in the many hastily posted chapters. There will be much more editing in the future, as well as more betas.

_Isabel's A/N_: I tell you, this was not a fun story to read – lack of quotations, no description, and other such not happy things. Hopefully we will ease your pain somewhat with our amusingly snarky comments and the proper disposal of the Sue.


	2. RubyFlame: chapter one

Disclaimer-We own nothing you even vaguely recognize, including but not limited to JRR Tolkien's creations, the necromancy bells and the Abhorsen trilogy (who belong to Garth Nix), and the Keltiad to Patricia Kenneally-Morrison. Nor do we own the PPC, we just work there. The 'Sue and her story belong to LifeMistressGreenleaf.

**Chapter 1**

The two agents stepped through the portal and landed on... a floor. Surrounded by nothing. Actually, there were stairs leading sharply downward, but other than that it was just swirly gray mist.

"Where are we?" Myth asked.

"Look at your CAD." Isabel said absently.

"You have it."

Isabel looked up in surprise. "I didn't give you one?"

"No…"

"We'll get you one when we get back, but I think we're in her bedroom, since that bed that just popped up out of nowhere," Isabel replied.

"Ack! She'll notice us! Elves shouldn't be in her bedroom!" Myth cried.

"Nah." Isabel reached into her bag of nifty gadget-like thingamabobs and pulled out a blanket made of blue flannel, little red hearts sprinkled liberally over its length.

"What is _that_?" Myth appeared to be on the verge of laughter.

"It's the Ultimate Blend-in Invisibility Marquee. Or, UBIM."

Myth peered at her suspiciously. "That's rather long, and… well, I can't say redundant, exactly. But how can it blend-in, and be invisible? I mean, I guess I can see how that… No. I can't. I'm confused."

"I didn't name it, and it's probably best not to dwell on it for to long."

"Right." Both agents pulled the UBIM over their heads, just in time.  
_Megan, get up for school,_ appeared in front of them in large, glowing Times New Roman

_Alright, alright, I'm up,_ appeared underneath it in a slightly smaller (but still glowing) Arial.  
Myth flinched back, as both messages were a bright hot pink (pink being one of her phobias)  
Isabel patted her on the shoulder sympathetically, and offered her a pair of sunglasses. She donned a set of her own as she muttered, "First person. I hate this author already, even without the lack of quotation marks."  
"Pink." Myth muttered. "Almost as bad as urple, in its own way."

"I take it you had a bad run-in with pink?" Isabel asked as a vaguely female human-shaped entity arose from the bed. With a 'poof' it was clothed, and it floated down the stairs for breakfast as the agents continued their conversation

"No. I just detest pink, and shiver to think it was my favorite color 'til I was six."

The vague figure floated back up the stairs, put on LotR, and brushed its teeth.

"Somehow she manages to have enough time to watch the _entire_ Lord of the Rings series before school. I wish I'd had that much time, I'd have gotten a lot more homework done." Isabel shook her head. The two agents watched the movies over the Sue's shoulder, each left to their own thoughts. They were shaken out of their mutual reveries when the back of Megan's head grew a mouth and began telling her,

"You don't belong here. You don't belong here." The (still) vaguely female Sue sighed and turned off the TV. She grabbed her bag and went downstairs, where a car was waiting.

"What's tto?" Myth asked, puzzled.

"...I dunno." Isabel watched as the still un-described main character arrived at her school. "You'd think she'd be late. After all, she _did_ watch all of LotR before school"

"And 'Great, I first again?' It sounds like she's doing a bad imitation of Yoda."

The other agent snerked. She turned back to Megan and saw three other vaguely shaped girls... and what appeared to be a group of hip hop thugs all wearing red bandanas. "That must be the gang..." She moved in for a closer look and tripped over the Author Insert lying on the ground. Picking herself up from where she sprawled, Isabel looked to see what she'd tripped over. THIS IS TRUE was carved in a big stone that sat in the middle of the ground where anyone could trip on it.

She grimaced and turned back to the "action". Megan seemed to be... hitting one of the other girls over the head with a snake? '_What the - even for this author, that's ridiculous!'_ She focused on The Text and saw the problematic word - "smaked". '_Ahh.' _

_I do NOT drool over Legolas!_ Appeared in urple,

_You do and you know it,_ came into being in bronze

_Well...well... I heard you moaning over Frodo_ materialized in a color Myth could only call vomit, and very loopy cursive.

"A fine example of a Sue's 'witty banter'. And retorted back? Should we call in some people from the department of redundancies department?" Myth was listening (or, well, looking, since there were still no quotation marks) to the Sue and her friend.

"We could... but let's just focus on surviving this chapter and see if it happens again. They get very annoyed if you call them out for a one... time... thing..." Isabel's voice trailed off at the end as she squinted at the sight before her, trying to force it to make sense through sheer willpower. It didn't – the Sue appeared to be stepping into a very deep pool of rippling black. The sign by the pool said, "My Own Thoughts". Her skin appeared prune-y, as if she had been there for a while. Then came a random bell, which rang, scuttled over to the edge of the pool, and yanked her out. She walked inside the building towards her first class. Isabel blinked a few times, trying to think about what she had just seen, but giving up for the sake of her remaining brain cells.

_Myth's A/N: Oh the horror… 'Sues, bad grammar, bad spelling, bad punctuation, author inserts in the middle of the narrative… Isabel and I may need intensive therapy in the Psych Ward after this. And this is just the first chapter. I wouldn't beg for reviews, but I do so love them. Please, make my ego even larger than it already is! Also, a shout out to one of our Betas, who knows exactly who she is, and will probably be mentioned later._

_Isabel's A/N:_I hope you enjoyed the story, and please! Review! Tell us what we did wrong/right/in between! Flames will be used in flame-throwers to further our annihilation of the 'Sue.


	3. RubyFlame: chapter two

Disclaimer-We own nothing you even vaguely recognize, including but not limited to JRR Tolkien's creations, the necromancy bells and the Abhorsen trilogy (who belong to Garth Nix), and the Keltiad to Patricia Kenneally-Morrison. Nor do we own the PPC, we just work there. The 'Sue and her story belong to LifeMistressGreenleaf.

_**Chapter 2**_

"MORE REDUNDANCIES!" Myth cried. "Can we call in the department of redundancies NOW?"

_When I got home form school I did the usual,homework,chorse, etc.(What you usually do after school)._

had just popped up.

Isabel sighed. "Soon, hopefully. They get mad unless there's at least four or five." She shuddered at the memory... those DORD people were quick and mean.

"I know two that are okay. Agents Crash and Twitchy. that is, if they passed the exams... Crash can be pretty clumsy." Myth gave Isabel her best puppy look. That look had kept her out of trouble many a time, and had melted some pretty hard hearts. Isabel was impervious. "Not yet." Isabel checked The Words, and her eyes widened. She launched herself at Myth and wrapped her body around the other agent's, knocking them both to the ground. A split second after she did that, a massive rumbling shook the earth, and the pair would have gone flying if they had been upright.

"Umm... thanks. Could you get off me now?" Myth asked, when the shaking was over.

Isabel got off of the rather shocked agent, and she dusted herself off after standing up. "Major scene change. They can be a right nuisance sometimes." She helped the other girl to her feet, and snerked when she saw 'Megan' on Weathertop screaming about wraiths.

"Yes, it is rather amusing, is it not?" Myth commented. "However, the various irritants in this so called bit of 'literature' have exhausted my mental capacities. Would there possibly be time to take a nap?"  
Isabel blinked. "Do you talk like this a lot?"  
"Frequently. May I?"

Isabel checked what was coming up. "Go ahead and sleep, I'll just work on the charge list and then join you - nothing too terribly serious happens in this chapter."

"Oh good." Myth rummaged through her bag, pulling out more 'Elrond is married-get over it' flags (Isabel would soon find out that Myth was slightly obsessive about passing these out to anyone who would be remotely interested, and many who weren't), an itsy notebook, a calculator, yamani glaive (this she set down with utmost care), a sleeping bag, and a bandolier hung with bell-shaped pouches. She proceeded to replace everything but the bandolier and sleeping bag, and turned to Isabel after she'd done so, who raised an eyebrow at the uncanonical objects but held her tongue

"Would you mind helping me go to sleep? I have problems doing so sometimes when there are other people around."

"What would this entail?" Isabel was wary of promising anything. She'd only met this woman today, after all.

"Ringing a bell. Ranna, to be exact."

"You named your _bell_?"

"No. these are an Abhorsen's version of a necromancer's set of bells."

"I'll ask later. Sure, I'll help. What's this one?" Isabel actually had the largest bell out of it's holder before Myth realized which one she meant.

"Don't ring that!" Myth cried in panic, lunging for the bell, then stopping when she realized that would speed up the process of the ring.

"Why not?" Isabel asked, and mischievously prodded the bell the tiniest little bit, as Myth stuffed her fingers in her ears. The sound was surprisingly loud, and the next thing she knew, she was fighting a grey current. Then sunlight was back in her life, and she lay panting on the ground, slightly damp from the cold water that was dripping off various pieces of Myth's anatomy. Myth's eyes were wide, and her nostrils seemed to have expanded to half again their size.

"What happened?" Isabel asked, her voice coming out in a croak.

"You _died_!" Myth sounded very close to hysterical. "Why didn't you _listen to me_? You're just lucky I've read the Abhorsen trilogy nineteen times, and that I'm extraordinarily stubborn! It might also have helped that I'm very good at keeping my footing with a current swirling around my knees."

"Come again? I thought you said I died."

"I did, and you did!"

"Again, I'll ask about that in the morning. What was that bell?"

"_That_ was Astarael the Sorrower. Anyone who hears her ring dies."

"So why didn't I?" Isabel asked. Myth made an exasperated noise.

"YOU DID, you irritating _deadglow_! I brought you back, and boy was it a good thing you didn't go past the first gate! The books never tell you the words you have to use to get past it!"

"First gate?" poor Isabel was getting more and more confused by the second. Myth breathed very slowly through her nose.

"Just go to sleep. I'll watch through the rest of the chapter. Oh, we have to go back to the LotR continuum. You wouldn't happen to remember the coordinates, would you?"

Isabel sighed and smacked her forehead. Her answer came muffled through the palm currently sliding down her face. "Go to the transporter in my bag. It should be the last location entered."

"…Oh." With a slight flump, the portal opened. Isabel peered through it and said, "Oh, good. The portal opened on the next chapter." She executed a sweeping bow and said, "After you, my dear!"

Slightly questioning her partner's sanity, Myth stepped through the portal and landed with an 'oomf!' on the ground. Grinning, Isabel stepped through after the other agent.

_Myth's A/N:_ And thus, Myth proves her credibility. Not all shiny objects are good. Just the vast majority. I'll never get any sleep now...

_Isabel's AN:_ The bell experience was... interesting, to say the least. Unfortunately, I can't resist anything shiny. So... yeah! Thanks for sticking with us! I know you're probably looking forward to the bitter (and hopefully painful) end. Enjoy!


	4. RubyFlame: chapter three

Disclaimer-We own nothing you even vaguely recognize, including but not limited to JRR Tolkien's creations, the necromancy bells and the Abhorsen trilogy (who belong to Garth Nix), and the Keltiad to Patricia Kenneally-Morrison. Nor do we own the PPC, we just work there. The 'Sue and her story belong to LifeMistressGreenleaf.

**Chapter 3**

The first thing out of Myth's mouth was "Oh good, quotation marks!" She looked at the scene before her, and her smile dropped. The Sue was whining about needing a "nice, hot, steamy bath" altogether too much.

"We skipped quite a bit." Myth commented  
"And aren't you kinda chipper for someone who was dead a few minutes ago?"

"I eat a lot of organic sushi. Keeps me healthy." Isabel's response was somewhat distracted, since she was currently laughing at the concept of a "pe" class.

"'What's pe?' I'd like to know too..." Myth muttered sullenly.

"Apparently a class where you learn to urinate. I always knew 'Sues were stupid, but that's ridiculous!" a while passed, during which Myth attempted to sleep.

_I got out of my nightshift and got dressed. It was very simple. It had no sleeves and fit my figure perfectly. I saw a note from Strider on my bedside table. It read:_

Megan,

Elrond needs to see you . Go to the double doors at the end of your hall. It is very important. Please go to him right after you read this letter.

Strider  
"Elrond wouldn't need to see her." Myth said

Isabel gave a resounding nod, expressing her agreement. "What possible purpose could he have by seeing her? Oh, by the way - sexist Elrond ahead. Do I need to restrain you or what?"  
"Hmm... You should be able to restrain me fine. No ropes necessary. Unless he smirks at her?"

"He doesn't appear to, thankfully."

"Then I'll be fine. And yet _more_ redundancies!"

Isabel bent over her notebook, pen flying. "Making Pippin say "cool", whatever the hell "percicly" is, stealing Gandalf's line, stating the obvious, bad writing... Can we count bad writing as a charge, or is that a given?" This last question was directed to Myth.  
"Ummm... I think HQ expects that."

Isabel leaned back and smiled, pen and notebook on the ground beside her. "Ahhh… All-Knowing!Elrond. Makes a wonderful change from Rapist!Elrond, don't you agree?"

"I haven't run across him yet, Thank Eru. I'd probably go berserk."

Isabel shuddered. "Better agents than I have."

"There aren't any agents better than ... wait. Okay, there are definitely two, maybe four better than you. But that's good, right?"

"It just means we're all susceptible to madness. It depends on the trigger." Isabel smiled slightly at the compliment and looked back at The Words. "Ooh, look - chapter change."

_Myth's A/N:_ Redundancies irritate Myth very much. They make Myth speak of herself in third person. Now she'll stop. I _really _dislike redundancies, and this fic is _full_ of them.

_Isabel's A/N: _Yes, this chapter was short. I'm sorry. However, you must deal. Next is our first mini-Balrog. Joy.


	5. RubyFlame: chapter four

Disclaimer-We own nothing you even vaguely recognize, including but not limited to JRR Tolkien's creations, the necromancy bells and the Abhorsen trilogy (who belong to Garth Nix), and the Keltiad to Patricia Kenneally-Morrison. Nor do we own the PPC, we just work there. The 'Sue and her story belong to LifeMistressGreenleaf.

**Chapter 4**

The transition to chapter four was a smooth one, and immediately one of the mini-Balrogs caught Myth's eye. "Erond? Oh, he's so cute! Can we keep him? Please?"

"You'd have to check the list, but probably." Taking a glance at The Words and decided the action wasn't nearly interesting enough to pay attention to, Isabel jotted down some more charges for their ever-growing list and took out her CD player. She turned to Myth and said, "You can watch if you want, I think I got all the charges. The only really interesting thing is Merry and Pippin each having only one arm, but... yeah." With that, she slipped on her headphones, pressed 'Play', and began singing softly to herself in Japanese.

"Tasogare no naka ukabu kage, itsuka mita kono koukei…"

"Over one million years story?" Myth asked, amused by the giant book that was taller than the 'Sue.

Taking off her headphones, Isabel was about to ask her to repeat herself when she was struck dumb by the interaction between Frodo and Megan taking place in front of her.

"...she's stealing Arwen's bit, who stole Glorfindel's? I keep trying to make sense of this fic, but my brain cells keep committing  
suicide."

"no, Arwen brought him... at least, that's what it says back in chapter two, which we would have read if someone hadn't died because they rang a bell they were told not to..."

Out came the Fire Starting Glare of Extreme Huffiness. "Ha. Ha. Ha. See me laugh." She shook her head and turned back to the story and addressed the 'Sue, saying, "I have a feeling that Sam what, dear? You're forgetting an important part of that sentence."

"Huh?"

"Megan said to Frodo, 'I have a feeling that Sam.' I was merely making fun of her." Isabel nodded.

"Oh… ok." Myth reached into her bag and, after some rummaging around, pulled out her Atlas of Pern. She immediately engrossed herself in it, leaving Isabel to put away her CD player and pull out her copy of "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix". And so the two agents read, pausing occasionally to make fun of the 'Sue.

"She doesn't know Boromir but she knows Legolas? Typical fangirl…"

"Look at that line of 'dawarves'. They appear to be headed to… some sort of monument… entitled 'Stouty'. Talk about confusing your homophones… one misplaced 'to' and your whole story's out of whack."

"That is the ugliest dress I've ever seen."

Isabel was about to reply when the next line of the story made her choke on her laughter. "A fabric she'd never heard or seen before? What do your clothes generally sound like, dear?" The dress seemed to be making some sort of violin thrumming noise, sending slight vibrations up the threads.

_I went over to my mirror and did a slight touch of makeup. With my comlexion I needed hardly any. I heard a knock at my door. I opened it and Elrond was standing there. " You look absolutly beautiful," he said. I blushed slightly at this and said," thanks." Elrond held out his arm, I took it , and we both went to the feast.  
_  
"Commas, commas, commas! And I'd like to know what comlexion and absolutly are." Isabel said despairingly

"She has Elrond flirting with her." Myth said with dangerous calm. "She has Elrond flirting with her. Her! As if that scrawny piece of crummy humanity could ever compare to Celebrian in any way, shape, or form! As if his mother in-law and daughter weren't the most beautiful beings on or of this earth or any other! Yes, I said Galadriel, who also happens to be the most revered being on this earth and I'm getting way off topic, aren't I?" the last part of that sentence was delivered at rapid-fire speed yet again. Apparently it was one of Myth's habits.

"Umm… yeah, you are. I assume Elrond is one of your L.O.s?"

"Why would you say that? Just because I want to remove her intestines with a dull toothpick… Yeah, he is."

Isabel slid her book back in her bag and said, "Oh joy – a feast. Well, at least Bilbo sings. Shall we accompany yon fair maiden," she pulled a wry face, "down the stairs?"

"But of course." Myth curtsied and held out her arm. Isabel took the arm with a sweeping bow and they promenaded down the stairs in mockery of the pair they followed.

_Isabel's A/N_: I grow to dislike this girl more and more each day.

_Myth's A/N:_ Yes, I am an Elrond Luster :waves flag proudly, also I like the El twins and Haldir. I'm a person of varying lusts. And a person who hates sues. This one is particularly bad. I will now leave you to stare at the screen in wonder.


	6. RubyFlame: chapter five

Disclaimer-We own nothing you even vaguely recognize, including but not limited to JRR Tolkien's creations, the necromancy bells and the Abhorsen trilogy (who belong to Garth Nix), and the Keltiad to Patricia Kenneally-Morrison. Nor do we own the PPC, we just work there. The 'Sue and her story belong to LifeMistressGreenleaf.

**Chapter 5**

"She wasn't posting? Aww... what a shame. All her fans missed out on some fine quality writing until now," Isabel drawled when she read the Author's Note.

"Has she ever heard of commas? And Elrond wouldn't call Mirkwood Mirkwood! He'd call it... whatever other elves would call it!" Seeing Isabel's raised eyebrows, she blushed and said defensively, "So I need to brush up on my Elvish!"

"…Alright…" Isabel would have continued, but she was distracted by the story (and a random Shiny Thing). "Ooh… shiny… wait – how did Elrond know she knew of Legolas? And who the HELL are Hlisolf, Ling, and Salibaf?" Her eye twitched. "We need to kill them too… can't leave any creation alive." Twitch. Twitch. She reached around to her bag and pulled out _The Encyclopedia of Poisonous Foliage for the Intrepid Woodsman_. "There's got to be something in here…"

"Umm... I _really_ don't want to kill elves, even if they were created by 'Sues. Could we recruit them, maybe?" Myth's mouth was contorted into a somewhat... unusual shape.

"I like that a lot better than my idea. I don't like killing Elves either." Isabel flipped through a few more pages, folded a corner down, and put the book away.

"So, how should we go about doing this? Do we conk them over the head and toss them through a portal that leads to somewhere secure? Or do we knock them out with some herby-thingee and toss them into my bag..."

Isabel's eyes lit up with evil glee. "I think I know just the thing..." She moved from the pillar they were behind to the next one and spread out her gizmos. She flipped open her Encyclopedia, scanned the list of ingredients, and dug through her bag.

She pulled out some bottles and numerous plastic bags, and went to work with a mortar and pestle.  
There was a loud 'BANG!' some moments later, and she reappeared next to Myth, slightly singed but holding a bowl full of pasty pea-colored slop.

"If this doesn't work, I'll eat my fifth Harry Potter book. Sans A-1."

"A-1?"

"A-1 steak sauce. It's a beautiful thing. Oh look, Elrond's pulling a Dumbledore 'Let the feast begin!'"

"I knew that. Really, I did."

"Oooh... Bilbo's singing. Wanna sneak closer and listen?"  
"Sure." They did so, and less than a minute later: "I'm not entirely certain if that's a real song, but it's not incredibly terrible..."

Isabel smiled softly. "No, it's not." She closed her eyes and just listened. For a second, she was able to pretend that this was the actual Lord of the Rings canon, that the real characters were in front of her and not the horrid facsimiles presented by the 'Sue. Isabel was in a sort of trance for approximately twenty seconds after Bilbo finished. Then Myth began making noises that sounded remarkably like a fish out of water.  
Isabel shook off the pleasant hazy feeling to scan the text.  
Elrond had just asked if the 'Sue was ok. Eeps.  
"Ok? As in 'Awk'! I'll give you 'awk', you high-brow canon-stealing character mutilating - mmf!" Isabel was less than pleased about being snapped out of her daze, and she fixated on the 'Sue. Plus... having Elrond say 'ok' was a killing offense in her book. She would have charged at the 'Sue and dug out her pancreas with a rusty knife if Myth hadn't tackled her and (inadvertently) driven her face into the dirt.

"No. Kill. Not. Yet." Myth was having problems controlling her own homicidal impulses, let alone holding Isabel back, and so could hardly spare the breath to admonish her.

"Why... not?" Isabel was having some trouble breathing, but that didn't stop her from spitting a flock of curses that would have made any European soldier blush.

"Because...well, because...because...It's against The Rules."  
"What rules?"  
"I don't actually know, but I'm sure it's somewhere." At least Myth had distracted Isabel, and decided to get off of her...just in time to be thrown on top of her again by the chapter transition. "Shards! We left the elves back at the feast!"

"We can go back and get them later. Now comes the council."

"You don't eat lambas bread unless you're traveling. Hence, _waybread_. And now there's too much detail! First there isn't any, and now..." burst forth from the mouth of Myth a few minutes later.

_Isabel's A/N:_ ..._Hlisolf_? And _Ling_, for crying out loud! "An Elf Named Ling"... that sounds like a song. Bilbo's song was pretty, though…

_Myth's A/N:_ she finally decided to describe herself. The problem? Too _much_ detail now. And in boring sentence after boring sentence.


	7. RubyFlame: chapter six

Disclaimer-We own nothing you even vaguely recognize, including but not limited to JRR Tolkien's creations, the necromancy bells and the Abhorsen trilogy (who belong to Garth Nix), and the Keltiad to Patricia Kenneally-Morrison. Nor do we own the PPC, we just work there. The 'Sue and her story belong to LifeMistressGreenleaf.

**Chapter 6**

_The day of the council dawned bright and early. The birds outside were singing their morning song greeting the new day. I was trying to get ready to go while eating a piece lambas bread, which didn't wrok to well. _

_ gosh dang it, I'm going to be late, I thought to myself as I put on my makeup. I put on a little bit of light brown blush and a bit of strawberry lipgloss that was in my pocket when I came. I then put up my hair in a loose bun with strands of hair hanging out. The bun was held up by two chopsticks. _

_I then got into my dress that I laid out for myself. It was a baby blue color that ended at my ankles. It had two slits on the sides that went up to my knee. This dress covered my back but not my stomach. So it showed my firm stomach that I had worked so hard on exercising. The top of my dress was that of a chinese dress. The collar and the buttons were there. _

_I had just gotten finished when there was a knock at my door. It of course was Master Elrond. _

"DIE!" Myth snarled, lunging for the 'Sue.

"Not yet, love." Isabel said calmly, restraining her. This was difficult, as Myth seemed suddenly possessed of incredible cunning and strength, squirming, kicking, and biting to get to the 'Sue. Isabel sighed, and regretfully (and very, very hesitantly) removed Ranna from the bandolier still slung around Myth's shoulders. Making absolutely _certain_ it was Ranna, she rang it.

"You can have a midriff-exposing dress, just so you know," Isabel calmly addressed the unconscious figure lying in a failed mid-lunge position on the ground. She went and sat on the ground by her partner (who was used as a backrest) and continued watching the story.

"At least she remembered Gloin was Gimli's father…" she mumbled to herself. Suddenly, she sat up so quickly Myth moved over a few inches from the shock.

"…is Boromir French or am I going crazy?" 'Borimier' perpetuated all the French stereotypes – striped shirt, beret, silly mustache, everything. Oh… and an added air of sneakiness. This all looked rather strange on a mini-balrog. Myth groaned and shifted, then lifted up her head and blinked at the Frenchman.

"…There are no Frenchman in Middle-Earth."

"I know, Myth – I know."

"Well, Elrond's getting fancy on us. The ring must be coming up. Five seconds to ring... three... two... one!" A mysterious man named "Borimir" appeared and walked to the ring, but before he could, Gandalf began speaking the black speech of Mordor. The 'cluds darkend', and everyone reacted like they were either very afraid or rather constipated. ...And then it happened.

_Gandalf finished and Elrond spoke," no one has ever dared to speak that tongue in Imiladeris."_

"IMILADERIS!" Myth screamed, so angry it was possible to hear the excess punctuation.  
"Charging..." Isabel muttered, pencil flying.

sniffle.  
"Hey, Myth? Could you check on that? It doesn't _look_ like the Sue's crying..."  
sniffle. sniffle.  
"Myth!" Isabel turned, slightly irritated by her partner's lack of response, only to discover that the Sue wasn't the source of the sniffles.  
"Myth?"

"It-It's t-too mu-much!" Myth cried, breaking into full-fledged sobs. "Th-the, and Erond, a-and NO QUOTATION MARKS for Mithros's sake! Is she allergic to spell-check? If you can't spell Imladris, put Rivendell!" the last was, along with a conveniently placed rock, directed at the Sue. Fortunately, Myth's aim wasn't phenomenal at the best of times, let alone when confronted with the root of all evil (as far as she was concerned). The rock landed directly in front of Elladan.  
"Would that I were that rock, Elladan, for then I could gaze into thine eyes." Myth sighed, rage forgotten for the moment.

Isabel blinked a few times, watching her love struck partner. The girl had just gone from sobbing rage to fangirl mode in less time than it would take Legolas to string his bow.

"Profesy isn't a word." Myth muttered, still sullen about being put to sleep. speaking of which... "I want my bell back!" Isabel blinked a few times. From fangirl mode to cranky… this girl was worse on a normal day than her in the full swing of PMS, and that is saying something.

"My bell?" Myth could somehow sound sickeningly sweet and demanding at the same time. It was one of her not-so-essential skills.

Isabel handed it over with a sigh. "Oh, looky - he's telling the 'elements' tale. Bla de bla bla, Megan's real name is Ruby and she's a Mistress of Fire, bla bla, immediate acceptance on her part, bla de bla, hoo ha hoo ha... finally they get to the ring."

"Hit with water balls. oh yes, that _does_ sound menacing." Myth was utterly unimpressed, and very bored once the novelty of watching the male members of Elwing's descendants wore off.

"Oh noes!11!1!one!1shift11!1" mocked Isabel, pronouncing all of the punctuation. "You threw water at me! I die now! Argh! Lust object, save me!"

"Yes, that does seem to be the general trend, does it not?" Myth lapsed into her formal speech.

"C'est très vrai, mon cher Myth," responded Isabel, slipping into her native French. She gave her head a quick shake and said, "That's very true, my dear Myth."

"é, Elwe ar fea onóre." Myth said absently, looking out over Imladris.

"I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that's good." Isabel grinned a bit cheekily.

"Roughly, I said whatever you say, person who is a very close friend."  
"And what did you say exactly?"  
"The way I used it, or literally? Never mind. 'Indeed, sister of my heart and soul'"

"...That's nifty. I'm gonna have to remember that." Isabel grinned, less cheekily and more sincere, and turned to the council. "...are you aware they just made Pippin ask "when are we going"... stupidly?"

"Actually, I was attempting to doze off."

At that moment, a sucking noise similar to a toilet plunger being un-plunged came into being, startling the agents. Then a two-dimensional figure came hurtling out of thin air, knocking Myth flat.

_Myth's A/N: _ wow. French and Elvish in the same story… and Quenya, no less.

_Isabel's A/N:_ Hmm... how not to make this AN repetitive... I have a pineapple, yes I do, I have a pineapple, how about you, I have a pineapple, yes I do, Toss it in the pot and make shrimp-fried steeeewww.


	8. RubyFlame: chapter seven

Disclaimer-We own nothing you even vaguely recognize, including but not limited to JRR Tolkien's creations, the necromancy bells and the Abhorsen trilogy (who belong to Garth Nix), and the Keltiad to Patricia Kenneally-Morrison. Nor do we own the PPC, we just work there. The 'Sue and her story belong to LifeMistressGreenleaf.

**Chapter 7**

"I seem to be getting knocked over frequently." Myth grumbled.

Isabel blinked. She seemed to be doing that frequently. "Um... who are you?"

The two-dimensional figure blinked from his position on Myth's neck.  
"I have no idea..."

Isabel stared. "...Eh?"

"My neck!" Myth moaned

Isabel reached over and attempted to lift the confusing creature off of Myth's neck. "That's my partner you're sitting on, I'll have you know. I'm the only one allowed to sit on her."

"Yeah..." Myth said faintly, not really listening as she rubbed the offended piece of her anatomy.

"So who _are_ you, anyways?" asked Isabel, surveying the rather disgruntled 2-D person in front of her (she had managed to knock it off of Myth's neck)."

"I_ think_ I'm Diami... Diani... Diana. That's it. Diana. I'm in the Department of Redundancies Department, of the PPC."

Isabel turned to Myth. "Did you call them?"

"If I'd called them, do you think they would've landed on my neck?" Myth retorted irritably.

"This is true." She turned to their mysterious guest, only to find they now enjoyed the full wonders of 3-D and an appropriate costume for the continuum (female, too). "So... not to be rude or anything, but why are you here?"

"I was in Mulan, getting rid of a particularly bad story overrun with redundancies, and suddenly, I was here. Do you often run around with a large blue flannel blanket?"

"...yes."

The UBIM was still draped over Myth's shoulder, despite all the black-outs, wrestling matches, and general gnashing of teeth and shaking of fists.

"It's our invisibility... thing..." Isabel elaborated. "You'd have to ask Makes-Things for clarification. Or Myth." She pointed to - who else? - Myth. "I'm Isabel, by the way. I'll need to see some identification."

"Umm… there isn't any I.D. issued to PPC personnel."

"Exactly." Isabel smirked, while Myth looked on.

Isabel quickly turned back to the story. She soon was on the ground due to insufficient air from laughing so hard. Choking, she pointed at the Words.

_"Oh man, why did I have to sleep over time," I literally screamed as I got into my pants. _

Was very funny, really, it was, but Myth needed something new to amuse her. Considering (and discarding) several options, she settled on the new arrival.  
"Hi, I'm Mithrenriene Rochmabriel. And you're Diana...?"

"Just Diana." Diana said. "It's nice to meet you! Now, I'll be going back to my assignment..." Diana was digging through her bag, and her voice was slightly muffled, but not enough for Myth to miss a few snarled epithets.

"Something the matter?"

"My portal thingy's missing!"

"So? Stay and help us! We need a professional DORD agent!"

"I dunno…"

Isabel, completely ignoring the conversation going on behind her, was drawn to the story like people are drawn to car wrecks. You don't want to stare, but you have to. "Mmmm, lamas bead. The other white meat." Diana snorted as the Sue said, "_Awwww man, I yelled and ran out the door."_

_"Well, Ruby, so nice of you to join us," Elrond said sarcastically, but with a smile.  
_Myth spluttered, turned several interesting colors, clutched Diana's arm, and took deep breaths through her nose.

Isabel walked over and patted her shoulder sympathetically. "It'll be alright... I promise you can kill her."

"Can't kill..." Myth whispered, "Reincarnation at work..."

"Oh yeah..." Isabel pondered the situation. "What can we do, then?"

"I suggest you wait 'till you finish the charge list, then think of something." Diana said, much less affected by the OOC Elrond than the other two. Myth whimpered her agreement, and Isabel nodded.

"Until then, why don't we skip to the worst canonish infar… umm…" Diana stumbled over the words in the face of a 'softly muttered' hehehe.

"Canonical infraction?" Myth chirped, cheered up by the chance to correct someone.

"Yeah, that. It does look like you guys need me, though. I guess I could stay…"

"Wahoo!" Myth was ecstatic.

"Après vous, mademoiselles." Isabel gave a sweeping bow and gestured to the glowing portal hanging in midair.

Had the canon characters been in any position to notice, they would have heard a heart-rending shriek.

_Myth's A/N:_ It has come to my attention that there is already a PPC agent named Twitch. This is not the same character as Agent Twitchy, who was mentioned in chapter two. Agent Twitchy is a character that popped out of my twisted imagination, though he's based loosely on someone of my acquaintance, just more… twitchy. Huh. Who'd a thunk…

_Isabel's A/N:_ All I have to say is that bitch better die quick. I had a lot more to say, but it gets lost in the sheer contempt I hold for this character.


	9. RubyFlame: chapter eight

Disclaimer-We own nothing you even vaguely recognize, including but not limited to JRR Tolkien's creations, the necromancy bells and the Abhorsen trilogy (who belong to Garth Nix), and the Keltiad to Patricia Kenneally-Morrison. Nor do we own the PPC, we just work there. The 'Sue and her story belong to LifeMistressGreenleaf. Like we'd claim them anyway…

**Chapter 8**

When they fell through the portal, the first thing Isabel's eyes (and ears) landed on was Haldir telling the 'Sue, "Galadriel would like to see you." Knowing what sort of mutilation was to come to her favorite character, and being long over due for a really good scream, Isabel couldn't resist. She let out a scream that would chill the hearts of babies and burst the eardrums of sopranos.

In other words, it was very, very loud. Loud enough, in fact, to attract the attention of the 'Sue. Thinking fast, Myth threw the UBIM over Isabel and knocked her and Diana to the ground a split second before Ruby - Megan - whatever looked over in confusion.

"I'm not the grammar fanatic of the group-" Diana began.  
"No, that would be me. Sadly." Myth had recovered from the drool that had ambushed her at the sight of Haldir, and now glared at the 'Sue for the forty-second time to date.  
"-but isn't it unusual for question marks to begin and end a sentence?" Diana finished.  
"It's _wrong_. Unless you're writing in Spanish, anyway."

Isabel thrashed madly underneath the UBIM and yelled incoherently. It sounded something like, "Snargffjl fralgsjfjl GALADRIEL mfrakel FIRE MISTRESS alrwahuif GUT YOU LIKE A FEEEESH sofkrabble!"

Unfortunately, the UBIM was made to confound sight, not sound. Equally unfortunate for our erstwhile agents, the March warden of Lothlorien, even when enthralled by a 'Sue, has very sharp hearing. Haldir's head came up, his eyes cleared, and he threw himself in front of Galadriel, plainly ready to defend her from any threat that could possibly exist, calling for the other warriors that _had_ to be nearby.

Isabel was writhing like mad underneath the UBIM. Myth gave her a sound thump on the head and all movement suddenly ceased.

Myth took two full seconds, which the motley group of women could ill afford, to drool over Haldir. Diana utilized these moments to jot down a few more redundancies that she'd remembered, and Isabel grabbed frantically for the portal generator, came up with the CAD, realized they hadn't analyzed any of the characters, pondered this for exactly 0.253 seconds, decided it didn't matter for the moment, opened a portal, stepped through, stepped back out when she realized no one was following her, and dragged Myth, Diana, and the UBIM after her.

A split second later found Isabel leaning against a conveniently placed tree and panting. She decided to look around to see where they'd actually landed. Upon seeing their location, Isabel glowered and yanked up Myth and Diana, who were in a heap next to her. "Come on, this is one of the major canonical breaches. We've got work to do." With that she stalked off, muttering to herself about stupid 'Sues and how they deserved to have something quite painful done to them.

"But... Doesn't that mean we're only a few seconds further into the fic?" Myth asked.

"Yes."

Both of the assassins were distracted by a yelp from Diana. Isabel raced back to see what fate had befallen her temporary partner-in-slaughtering-'Sues.  
"Quick!" Myth cried, "Get something that'll muffle noise!"  
"You're not helping." Isabel muttered, as she rummaged through a random pack. She pulled out an extremely scratchy-looking wool sweater, which was then tossed at Myth.

"Will this work?"

"I think so. Whose bag is that?"

"Mine. I bring this to muffle things."

"Makes sense. You all better? Which redundancy made you go off like that?" the last questions were directed at Diana.  
"_That_." the bereaved DORD agent pointed to a particular sentence in The Words.  
_Huh, where am I? I thought to myself as I floated above a towering city in the clouds.  
The city was made of clouds and the sun reflected off of the windows._

All three of them winced, and took the opportunity to scribble, scrawl, or scratch charges that were either new or forgotten. In one of the many unfortunate coincidences of this particular mission, the triad looked up just in time to see the 'Sue's 'magical' transformation. The specific paragraph(s) was:

_When I opened my eyes I saw the world differently. I could hear the spirits around me. In the water, wind, and earth. I looked down at my body. I wore a black tube top with black bell-bottoms. I wore a long red over coat and on my feet were black army boots that went up to my knees. _

_I looked behind me and saw my bat like wings. They had a sharp edge to help me fight and they folded nicely behind me. _

_I looked in the pond and saw that I had on some red lip-gloss. On my eyes I wore red, orange, and white-eye liner._

"I claim the boots!" Myth yelled. The 'Sue looked around in confusion, her magically applied red, orange, and white-eye liner (yes, folks, eye liner, despite the cosmetics applied to the exterior of our eyelids being called eyeliner) almost painfully bright, as the assassin/wannabe necromancer ducked behind a large tree.

"If you wish." Isabel sighed. "I hate her. Very few people make my hate list, but she's getting close."

Diana was recovered from the earlier (unforgivable) redundancies, and was now staring in confusion at the 'Sue. "Umm... Why did her clothing change? And why the make-up?"

"She wanted to look pretty for Leggy-poo, probably." Isabel shuddered. "Thank Eru there are no bad nicknames in this story yet."

"I think she calls him Legs, later on." Myth muttered irritably.

"...shit."

"I'm _so_ much more upset about the many, many uses of shock and shocked in the next four or five lines." Diana retorted.  
"Well, we'll get to do something awful to her soon. Remember, she brings in two more 'Sues, and I'll even let you kill one, Di." Myth thought it was a very generous offer.  
"Di? When did that happen? And I can't kill any of them. I'm not licensed, remember?"

"Frazzelspitz!" Myth yelped. "Time distortion!"

Isabel promptly sat down at these words, which eased a bit of the shock of the time distortion. But still... "Ow."

Myth ended up on the ground yet _again_, despite the fact that she'd sat down and, in fact, given the warning. Diana was crouched, swearing profusely under her breath.

"Why does this always happen?" Myth snarled, and then, "Pretty wing-ed horsie! Ya know, if you ignore the fact that those wings are nowhere near large enough to lift it of the ground..."

"Very true. And her wings... nyargh." Isabel rolled her eyes.

"Why does she have a- to put it Myth's way- wing-ed horsie, if she can fly herself?" Diana asked. Myth's way of putting it involved making winged a two-syllable word, and using baby talk.

"Sue logic. Who knows?" Isabel dug through her pack for the charge list and started scribbling.

The world lurched around them again, and the trio of somewhat-worse-for-wear women decided to stay in the heap they had fallen in for the five seconds it took to catch their breath. Isabel looked up at their surroundings. Her eyes landed on the Sue in a Hobbit Pile, with the rest of the fellowship (plus Leglas the mini-Balrog) surrounding her and gazing adoringly at her wings.

"When are we getting the minis to OFUM?"

Isabel looked over at Myth. "Whenever we are able to, most likely after we clean this story up."

"Gmph." muttered Myth.

"And now she's abusing Legolas?" Diana asked.

"It appears so." Isabel looked at her watch. "I figure we can get her when she goes off to practice, she's alone then."

"That's true," Diana agreed. "We can miss the further mutilation of Galadriel's character that way."

Myth had been scanning ahead, way ahead, and so made a terrifying discovery. "But there're two more 'Sues to get!"  
Diana and Isabel stared at her while absorbing the implications of this news before falling into a dead faint and heaving sobs, respectively.

As the products of Isabel's misery were falling onto her face, it was perfectly understandable that Diana's dead faint gradually became a live one, and then true consciousness.

Little by little Isabel managed to regain control of herself. Wiping her eyes, she looked up at the Sue and noticed her walking away from the group. The sorrow in her eyes turned to pure rage. She dug through her bag, pulled out a length of rope, and stood up. Working the kinks out of her back, she gave Diana a prod with her foot and didn't wait to see if she stood up.

Turning to Myth, she growled, "You comin'? This bitch is going to die. Now."

"Umm... Izzie..." Myth began  
"Izzie?"  
Myth continued, "We can't kill her yet..."  
"She's dead."

"We still have to..."  
"A dead 'Sueburger. Break out the barbeque."  
"I'm really, really sorry, then..." Myth rang Ranna, which she'd taken out of her bandolier mere moments before. Isabel crumpled to the ground asleep, her rope falling to the ground beside her.

"So... Diana..." Myth turned to her other accomplice, and realized that Ranna had, on some strange sleepy-bell whim, knocked the DORD agent out cold as well.

Myth glared at Ranna, muttered for a bit about bells that needed to be put in their places, put her back in the pillbox sized pouch from whence she came, rooted through Isabel's bag to find the charge list and a pen, and began scribbling.

_Myth's A/N: _Urgh. I always end up on the _ground_. By the by, if anyone wants to be a bit masochistic, here's the first chapter of the fic: http/ the horrors we have skimmed over.

_Isabel/s AN:_ Good lord. I die a little each day from this fic. It hurts me inside. However - Suedeath soon! Hurrah! It's all I can look forward to in this fic, besides the idiocy that is entertaining.


	10. RubyFlame: chapter nine

Disclaimer-We own nothing you even vaguely recognize, including but not limited to JRR Tolkien's creations, the necromancy bells and the Abhorsen trilogy (who belong to Garth Nix), and the Keltiad to Patricia Kenneally-Morrison. Nor do we own the PPC, we just work there. The 'Sue and her story belong to LifeMistressGreenleaf. And frankly, she's welcome to them.

**Chapter 9:**

"Talk about setting off," Isabel interrupted, still hacked off to the extreme. "Look at that." She pointed to the 'flying lessons' being given by Galadriel. She and Diana had awakened about two hours after being banished to the realms of sleepy-town and, between the two of them, wrestled Myth to the ground for her audacity.

Diana lost it this time, redundancies such as:

_" Get some sleep," he stated laying on his cot._

" Can't," was my only reply.

" Well then try," he said pretending to be mad.

I rolled my eyes," you can't make me."

His laugh was quiet," I won't even try."

I laughed and closed my eyes trying to get some sleep. I didn't come easy but I finally got some.

driving her over the edge.

Which, as Myth pointed out later, weren't really redundancies, just rather disjointed sentences strung together to resemble a paragraph. However, they were sufficient to piss off a DORD agent, and that is an offense. Fortunately, the chapter transition caught the crazed female in mid-leap, and Ranna was not needed.

Myth managed to stay on her feet this time, by grabbing a tree, and blinked at the bustle going on around them.

_" You must now harden your hearts if you wish to leave," Lord Celeborn said looking at the group._

He snapped his fingered and 8 cloaks were brought to the group. Then Lady Galadriel gave us each a parting gift. Borimir recieved a belt of gold. Merry and Pippin recieved two daggers. Legolas a new bow. Sam got soil from the ladies garden. And Frodo got a star in a glass bottle. Well I only talked about the 8.

Now when she came to me she had two gifts for me. " Here is jewel that came from an acient mountain. It collasped causing all the gems to scatter. This particular jewel will consentrate your powers at your enemy better and will strenghth them, " Galadriel said, " Now turn around."

She slipped the gem around my neck and fastened it. It dangled down to my chest. It was like a ruby. It was dark red color. Inside the gem was a golden flower. It was held in a ring of gold. reduced Diana and Isabel to brainless mush for a few moments. Myth escaped by virtue of dropping into fangirl mode over Haldir. When Isabel returned to normal brain-state, she directed a withering glare at Myth for escaping the horrid writing.

"What?" Myth asked. Isabel shook her head and continued to glare.

Diana returned to normal state soon thereafter, and the three of them gathered together behind a convenient bush to discuss upcoming plans.

"Ooh! Hawk!" Myth whispered, "She doesn't _deserve_ a hawk, much less one given by the hand of Galadriel herself! Besides, I don't think hawks would adjust to a person that quickly."  
Isabel sighed. "But since when is a Sue accurate?"

"Gorgamin? That's not in either of my Elvish dictionaries! When he's mine, he's going to be named Lorram."

Diana looked at her.  
"What?" Myth asked, "It's Sindarin for 'dream wing'"

"I wasn't gonna say a word..." Diana's overly innocent look belied her stated intentions.

Isabel snapped her fingers in front of both of their faces. "Guys... we need to plan. I think. What've we got so far?" She should have been paying attention, but this story was playing hell on her mind.

"The hawk is _mine_." Myth snarled fiercely.  
"No one's disputing that, Myth. How're we going to get rid of the other 'Sues, grab

the elves-" Diana interrupted.  
"Grab elves?"  
"Original characters that we're recruiting. Anyway, how're we gonna do that, grab the minis, and fix all the characters she's mutilated?"

Isabel sighed and flopped onto the ground. "I say we start with the least damaging and make our way up to RubyFlame one canon violator at a time." She draped an arm over her eyes. "There's so many, though..."

"There's only three." Diana said crossly.  
"Only three? _Only_ three?" Myth squeaked, looking at Diana as if she weren't sure the DORD woman was sane. Obviously, sanity is relative.  
"You didn't come in at the beginning." Isabel informed her. "Three is a large number when dealing with Sues and their spawn." She sat up with a grunt and looked around at the others. "Let's go get the bit characters, and then we can rest for a bit. Sound good, or am I more insane than normal?" She looked at Diana as she said this.  
"Umm... Maybe she's not the one to ask?" Myth suggested. The other agent's heads swiveled in her direction. "But, on the other hand... Make it so!" Myth affected a British accent, and took out Isabel's portal thingy, which she had appropriated from the aforementioned assassin by means unknown.  
"Wait!" Isabel snapped, "CAD readings!"  
"Oops..." Myth murmured. Isabel pointed the CAD at Celeborn.

Celeborn. Elf male. Lord of Lothlorien, father of Celebrian, etc., etc. Canon. Out of Character _23.7982793874..._ Isabel thwacked the CAD. _23._79.

"What?" You could hear the excess punctuation in Isabel's anguished cry.

"SHHH!" Diana snarled.

"Actually," Myth said thoughtfully, "He was kinda arrogant anyway…" Isabel glared at her. "Well, he was!" Myth snapped. Isabel was a little taken aback at the tone, but let it go.

"Does she ever do anything but 'state' things?" Diana asked, "Because I think I may write that down as a redundancy, since she says it AT LEAST EIGHTY-SEVEN TIMES!"

"I think I saw an 'asked' once," Isabel nodded at Diana. "It might have been lost on its way to a better story, though, so I'm not positive." She pushed herself to her feet and smiled at Myth. "We've gotten the CAD readings, so would you be so kind as to open a portal to..." she peered at the Words, "...Gringath and Pulroth?" She shook her head at the stupidity of the names.

"Yeah. Sure." Myth muttered. She fiddled with the buttons, and the portal opened up. The other two surged forward, only to be stopped by Myth's out-flung arm.  
"What is it?" Diana inquired.  
Myth turned, grinned, shouted, "Engage!", and leapt backwards through the portal.  
Isabel and Diana traded looks. "That was...weird..." they said in unison. They grinned at each other, then linked hands and leapt backwards through the portal yelling, 'Engage!' Upon reaching the other side, they answered Myth's raised eyebrow with, "What? It looked like fun."

"You do realize that the quote was from Star Trek: the Next Generation, don't you? It's one of Picard's most famous lines."

"...nope. Still looked like fun." Isabel replied.

Diana winced. "Not Star Trek, please..."

_Myth's A/N:_ Yay! Star Trek references! Whee! We're getting to the 'Sue extermination, really, we are, but we couldn't resist putting something in that has absolutely nothing of a 'Sue taint to it. Our beloved agents can be quite spontaneous, thank you very much. And the link really isn't working to get to the original fic, so we'll post it on our profile.

_Isabel's A/N:_ It was fun, I don't care what anyone says. We're slowly approaching mutilation, y'all, thanks for sticking with us!


	11. RubyFlame: chapter ten

Disclaimer-We own nothing you even vaguely recognize, including but not limited to JRR Tolkien's creations, the necromancy bells and the Abhorsen trilogy (who belong to Garth Nix), and the Keltiad to Patricia Kenneally-Morrison. Nor do we own the PPC, we just work there. The 'Sue and her story belong to LifeMistressGreenleaf, and frankly, we're glad they're not ours.

**Chapter 10**

"Urg. I'd forgotten how _horrible_ the first couple chapters were." Myth grumbled.  
Isabel nodded vehemently, staring at a trio of elves standing with blank expressions on their faces as the author moved on to describe a feast. "There're our victims - I mean, possible recruits."  
"The two are interchangeable," Diana offered.

The 'Sue's Point of View:

Suddenly, three nondescript female elves, in very ornate dresses, ran out, thunked three of Mirkwood's representatives over the head from behind, and dragged them off into a building. They had to make two trips.  
"Did you see that?" She asked Elrond.  
"Did I see what?" Elrond replied, looking around.  
"Nothing..."

back to our agents:

"I thought I said _Gringath _and_ Pulroth._ These were the other ridiculously named elves!" Isabel muttered as she helped Diana drag Ling (the second-lightest of the elves) into the cover of a room.  
"D'you think she saw us?" Myth grunted, as she shoved the most unhelpful Hlisolf in front of her and into Isabel, who sidestepped him neatly.

"I don't think she did, but we should be --" Isabel interrupted herself with a small "oof!" as she and Diana heaved Ling into the corner of the room. "-- cautious from now on, just in case."

"Yeah. Careful. We still have to get Sali-whatchimati-thingee." Diana said. "Who'd've thought there was such a thing as a stout elf?" And lo, they scampered out upon unwilling feet to lug the overweight elf into their sanctuary. "Stout and elf is like... salsa and popcorn. They just don't mix." Diana shook her head as she tugged on the oxymoronic elf's arm. Isabel coughed discreetly and looked away. She looked back at the other two to receive two very confused glances.  
"I admit nothing." Isabel grabbed the elf's ankles to assist the lifting.

"I wonder…"grunt, "Why…" grunt, "the canon…" grunt, "made him this way?" Myth gasped and grunted as she grabbed the torso ( this was a very stupid thing for her to do, because if Isabel is holding his ankles, and Diana his wrists, then he sinks towards the ground, and guess who carries the most weight? Yup. She-who-is-currently-grunting-with-strain.)

"Huh." Diana said when they managed to get Salibalf into the same corner as the others, "He wasn't as heavy as he looked."  
Myth glared at her from the stooped position she had assumed. "That's... enough... out of you..." she panted.

"Now-" Isabel began as Myth stretched and her back made a horrible popping noise, "how're we gonna move these guys around?"

Diana raised her hand. "I vote opening portals beneath them or something of the same type."

"Or we could use my backpack. Someone else is carrying it, though." Myth volunteered.  
"I thought it was weightless." Isabel taunted.  
"_Nearly_ weightless." Myth corrected, "And even a nearly weightless bag weighs something with three elves in it. Especially one that isn't elf-sized."

"We could take turns carrying it, you guys." Diana half-smiled. "I think Isabel should take the first shift."  
"What?" Confused, Isabel turned to Diana. "And why is that?"  
"I dunno."

Isabel slapped her forehead and muttered an agreement. "But you take the next."  
"Fair enough." Diana nodded. "Myth?"

"Not takin' it."

Isabel walked towards her partner very slowly. "You. Will. Take it. If you. Enjoy. Your. Bandolier. In one. Piece." She paused. "Well, one piece and many bell pouches. But my point still stands."

"You could try," Myth retorted. "You'd probably kill yourself, but you could try."

"I have my ways… you get a shift. You get third shift, but you get a shift, all right?"

"Maybe… do you know what any of the other bells do, anyway?"

"No. Your point?"

"My _point_ is that you could summon the newly dead as rotting corpses, give the 'Sue a brain, or even make her speak properly! You have no idea what power could be unleashed! You could also die again. Or kill us ALL!"

Isabel thought for a moment, and nodded. "Okay… not doing that then. That place was _cold_."

Diana was looking at them both strangely. "She's carrying something that could kill us all? That's not good."

"Oh, don't worry, she's careful with it." Isabel paused thoughtfully. "Well, usually…"

"Hey, it was you who rang it." Myth retorted.

"Quit your yappin', we've got work to do!" Isabel cried. She looked around for the nearly-weightless bag, finally spotting it in Myth's hands. "Shall we dump these elves in and start moving?"

Myth nodded an affirmative, opened the bag, set it on the floor, and began stuffing Hlisolf (her preferred elf) into the opening. After she was finished, Isabel beckoned to Diana, and together the two managed to wrestle Ling into the bag.

"And now, we get to Salibalf. Sigh." Myth sighed.  
"Why did you just say sigh?" Diana asked.  
"Because... I've been inside this story to long. I NEED TO GET OUT!"

"We all do, we all do," Isabel patted Myth on the shoulder, panting slightly from the effort it took to carry Ling. "It's almost over, I promise."

"What about me?" Diana pouted. "I need comforting, too!"

Isabel reached over and patted her shoulder twice. "Let's get moving, darlings!"

Myth tossed Isabel the portal generator and the bag (which weighed about ten pounds now), then checked her bandolier to make sure Isabel hadn't made good on her threat. Isabel caught both tossed items with no grace, fumbled around with the generator until the correct coordinates were set, and pushed the button. The portal hung in the air, shimmering with a smug sort of light.

Myth stared at the portal for a few seconds after the other two leapt through. "I wonder how long it'll stay up?" she mused. The portal flickered. "I'm coming, I'm coming!" She yelped, and tumbled through. Once she appeared on the other side, the portal gave an annoyed-sounding burp and shut off. Isabel stared at the generator and thumped it. "I should get Makes-Things to look at that attitude problem..."

"Ya think?" Myth snapped, "I could've been stuck in limbo!"  
"Like the game? That sounds horrible..." Myth couldn't figure out whether Diana was being deliberately obtuse, or just teasing. She glared anyway.

"Meh, I'll run it by him after this mission." Isabel said carelessly, completely ignoring the side-tracked pair. Then she paused. "Wait, are we putting Gringath and Pulroth in the bag as well?"

"Yup." Myth said. "Poor Di, she gets the heaviest load." whereupon Diana glared, and Myth and Isabel cackled evilly.

After they calmed down, Isabel looked around at the beauty of Lothlorien. She took a deep breath and sighed. "Such a wonderful place... why must it always be corrupted by horrors like Rubyflame?"

"_Because_ it's so beautiful. They're drawn here like moths to a flame. Like a dog to dog food. Like flies to cow patties. Like Isabel to shiny objects that can kill-"  
"That's enough!" Isabel interrupted Myth. "We get it." She looked around again, this time not looking at the trees but for the Sue. "So... where do we go?" Isabel might have been a top-notch assassin, but she was a hopeless navigator.

"Ummm... Thataway?" Diana pointed in a random direction.  
"No." Myth said with authority. "Water-like sounds are coming from that way-" She pointed in the opposite direction, "So there we'll go."  
"Water-like sounds?" Isabel queried.  
"Well, the elves are trying to force her into a boat, so..."

"Force? She doesn't want to go with the elves? That's a new one."

"No, she doesn't want to get in the boat... why doesn't she just fly?"

"Sue logic isn't at the top of the intelligence list, remember."

"What I wouldn't give to be on Vulcan right now... in the original series, I mean. No bad grammar, no redundancies, nice, clean logic... in short, heaven."

"Sounds lovely, you two," Diana interrupted, "but there she goes." She pointed in the direction of Rubyflame.

"Oh, right. Grab the Elves!" Myth cried, a little louder than necessary. No one noticed in all the noise of the 'Sue protesting her entrance to the boat. They all charged towards their prey like extremely uncoordinated tigers. Which was, needless to say, full of such phrases as "Stop stepping on me!" "Stop getting in my way!", "There they are!", "And there they go..." And a loud "Sheka!" as Myth very nearly blundered into the be-winged monstrosity, who had decided that she was going to fly, after all. They eventually accomplished their task, though, and, with much cursing and general gnashing of teeth, they dragged their now-unconscious targets into a nearby copse of trees.

"Good thing _these_ ones weren't weirdly deformed. For elves, anyway." Isabel said as she gave the elves the once-over.  
"Improper grammar! My ears, my ears!" Myth clamped her hands over her ears and closed her eyes.  
"Oh, grow up." Diana retorted, conveniently forgetting her earlier lapses.

"This story is starting to get to all of us." Isabel shook her head vigorously, as if to get rid of any and all bad-grammar nymphs residing between her ears. "I can't wait to get back to the response center."

"Can we just Portal to the 'Sues now?" Myth asked plaintively.

"Let's go get'em." Isabel punched a few random keys on the portal device and a shimmering oval appeared in the air with a slight 'pop'. The group dove through. Unfortunately, they forgot that the UBIM was draped over them. Myth tripped over the hem and brought Isabel down with her. Isabel grabbed Diana for support... and ended up being fallen on. They all ended up in an ungainly pile on top the bag full of unconscious captured Elves, who, of course, didn't give a damn as they couldn't feel a thing. The agents, however, were another story.  
"Ow... OW... OW! MYTH THAT'S MY HAIR!"  
"It's your own fault for wearing it so long!"  
"Whoever belongs to that elbow kindly remove it from my kidney at once."

The group of beleaguered women heard groans and thumps, not necessarily in that order. They agents looked out from the UBIM to see two girls rubbing their heads and speaking with many question marks. Isabel's left eye twitched with every misplaced piece of punctuation.

"Mithran priests almighty... She didn't state something. My faith in probability has been shattered." Myth stared into space, murmuring many unintelligible words.

Isabel patted Myth on the shoulder absently, scanning the sky for the suddenly elusive Words. Once she found them, however, she wished she hadn't. "Good lord, the question marks! Did the quotation key on her keyboard commit suicide or something?"

"Who knows." Diana muttered, glaring at the other two 'Sues.  
"You leftover piece of skrewt dung! You illegitimate daughter of a camel's left hind hoof and a donkey's tail! You filthy slime of a rotting algae's prodigal son!" Myth had not simply been staring off into space, because that would impede the speedy death of the 'Sue. She had been scanning the Words, and come across (or, rather, had not come across) the part of the story where Eowyn should have been, but was not. Her fellow agents were so shocked by her outburst that they failed to grab even the hem of her heavily embroidered elvish cloak as she threw off the UBIM and charged the 'Sue. Under the astounded gaze of her cohorts, Myth, who, to be honest, never seemed to be all that athletic, hurled herself into a straight tackle for Ruby… Megan… whatever. Unfortunately, though the tackle was straight, it was straight into Gandalf, who, it seemed, had no appreciation for the beautiful form, and was not at all happy about being tackled. Isabel smacked her forehead and strode forward, muttering about crazed partners. She pulled a strange-looking silver device from her pocket as she moved. When she reached Myth,who was on top ofa confused and angry Gandalf, she gave her partner one solid yank, and the dazed woman went flying away from the Maia, taking Isabel, who hadn't let go of her arm, with her.

"I think it's amazing, how she flies in and out of rages like that." Diana said perkily as she took the neuralizer (otherwise known as the flashy thingee) and zapped all of the canon characters. "I do, however, thank Eru that she didn't see or hear of 'Gandalf Greyham'."

"'Till now." Isabelmuttered from her positionatop of Myth's back. She looked down at her still-struggling partner and said, "Dahling, we simply must stop meeting like this. I'll start getting embarrassed." She patted Myth on the head and continued restraining her.

"Could you get off of me please? Dyrim is digging into my torso directly under my ribs."  
"Depends. Will you behave?"  
"Anything, and I do mean _anything_, to keep Ranna from being permanently embedded into my pelvis."

"All right, then." Isabel got off and Myth picked herself up, straightening the bandolier slung crosswise across her chest. She brushed off some excess dust and shot the Sue a patented "I Will Eat Your Spleen While You Watch" glare.  
Diana sighed impatiently. She was tired of all this glare-throwing and partner-tackling and whatnot. "When can we actually kill the Sue?"

"NO!" Myth and Isabel shouted in unison. Isabel elaborated with, "Reincarnation equals_very bad._"

"Fine, then." Diana thought for a second to rephrase her question. "When can we get rid of her?"

"_Now._" Myth replied with an evil look at the 'Sue.

As they were having this wonderful conversation, the 'Sues were looking on in no small bit of confusion

"What are they?" Ashleigh asked tremulously.  
"I do not know." Ruby... Megan... Whatever replied.  
"My guess would be assassins who have been, like, hired to assassinate us, and who shall have, like, no remorse, and maybe even a tiny bit of, like, fun doing it." Elisha supplied.

The agents stared.

"Imperial mage students on a glorified stick." Myth whispered.

"She knows. How could she know?" Diana turned to Isabel as the voice of reason.

"It doesn't matter if they know." The woman retorted. "We toss the one into the void, where her hypothetical soul will be trapped forever, and we-" she gestured to herself and Myth, "kill the other two. Whadaya say, Myth?"

"Sounds good to me."

Ten minutes, two yards of rope, many, many hair ties, several bitten fingers, and a hard thwack in the stomach (which resulted in Megan throwing up all of her 'lamas' bread) later, the 'Sues were tossed through a shimmering portal and into three separate trees on the border of Lothlorien. After a brief scuffle over the charge list, Myth (who had beaten down all competition with well-timed snatches, dodges, and a few quick bites) began the reading of the charges.

"Megan, a.k.a. RubyFlame, mistress of fire, you are hereby charged with being a Mary-Sue, having an incredibly corny name, omitting proper punctuation, most especially question marks, quotation marks, and commas, joining the fellowship (nine, not ten, Lord Elrond tells me so) causing Elrond to flirt with you (have you no shame? The man's married! Leave him be!), creating Elementals in Middle-Earth, being an elemental reborn, possessing, at the very least, three cute animal friends, including a winged horse, a hawk, and a relatively normal horse, creating Imiladeris, boring us very near to the border between life and death by a) not describing yourself at all, and b) then describing your appearance in far too much detail. Causing a dress to bare your midriff…" here Isabel cut in.

"That's not a dress, sweetie, that's a blouse and skirt."

"Creating four, count 'em, _four_ mini-balrogs, most especially Gandalf Greyham, but also Erond, Boimir, and Balien. Also,_ using_ five minis already in existence…"

Isabel tuned out once she realized that Myth wanted the 'Sue to go through the agony of hearing, if not all, then the vast majority of the charge list. Five minutes later, Myth finished with,

"Finally, making two of us cry at different points-"

"Oh!" cried the 'Sue, "You were moved by my tale!"

"No. I was horrified at your stupidity. To continue; causing me to stub my toe numerous times, and completely ignoring Eowyn shield-arm, white lady of Rohan and Ithilien, whose boots, even were they covered in blood and muck, you are not fit to lick."

"Also, many, many redundancies, some of the worst being: 'You do and you know it, Beth retorted.Well...well... I heard you moaning over Frodo, I retorted back.', 'When I got home form school I did the usual,homework,chorse,etc.(What you usually do after school).', and 'It was like the first one except it had sleeves. It had Japanese style sleeves and the top part ended at the bottom of my chest.'" Diana tossed in her two cents.

"For these and a few other minor charges, you are sentenced to die and be dragged back as a dead Hand, after which you will be taken back to HQ so the Department of 'Sue Experimentation may observe you."

"You can do that?" Isabel asked dubiously.

"Umm… okay, you are sentenced to the Void for all eternity. After I gouge out your eyes for the aforementioned department."

"Why don't we just kill her?" Diana asked.

"Because she was reincarnated once, she could manage it again. And, I don't want my Lor traumatized." Myth stroked the hawk (whom she had aquired at some point during the general chaos)with undisguised affection, earning a gouged finger. The affection, it seemed, was entirely unreturned.

"Right. I'll charge the other two, shall I?" Diana turned back to the 'Sues. "Oy! Where'd the first one go?"

"Huh?" Myth blinked, then scowled. "The little… there she is!" she raced off after their escapee, Isabel in hot pursuit. Diana shook her head and turned back to the loose-ends.

"Now, where were we? Ah, yes…" she grinned as the 'Sues whimpered into their gags.

Myth, meanwhile, spotted her quarry and grinned a grin not unlike a fangirl who had somehow gotten into the staff section of OFUM, and was standing outside the room of her lust object. Somehow, the 'Sue had gotten rid of the ropes, and was going to make Myth work to catch her. Myth grinned even wider, threw herself towards the 'Sue in a magnificent rugby tackle… and, in the grand tradition of Myth's tackles, missed spectacularly. She scrambled back to her feet… and ran into a border guard of Lothlorien. Oops.

"Ummm… Mae govannen heledir..." Myth might have been able to slip past on her rudimentary elvish, had she not confused the sindarin hedir (sir) with heledir (kingfisher).

Isabel eyes only for RubyFlame. Completely (and stupidly, some might add) ignoring the guard, she ran past the guard and was within arms-reach of the girl when her charge was suddenly cut short by a sword being thrust in her way. Acting purely on instinct, she backpedaled to avoid getting cut, and landed flat on her rump.

"_Haldir_?"

* * *

Back with Diana…

"Where _are_ those guys? These 'Sues are really beginning to _irritate_ me…"

* * *

Back to our way-past-irritated assassins…

Isabel was faring rather badly. She and Myth had been separated, surrounded, and their lives spared for some reason unknown. Unfortunately, Isabel could understand nothing, and even the 'Sue looked bewildered, which meant they were speaking true Elvish, not the parenthesized gobbledygook Ruby… Megan… Whatever made them use. Myth was nodding every once and a while, but mostly blinking in confusion. No doubt the Elves were speaking too fast for her to pick up more than one word out of fifteen. On the upside, the 'Sue was also in custody (apparently she'd been gone long enough for most of the sue-fect to wear off). On the down side, they had left their bags of nifty gadget-like thingamabobs back with Diana, so no portals, no neuralizers, and nothing to amuse them as they waited.

_Myth's A/N:_ Our very first cliff hanger! Sorta… Kinda… Maybe… Yeah, we were going to kill the 'Sue in this chapter, but it took seven pages in Microsoft Word to get this much done, so we'll do our darndest to kill her next time!

_Isabel's A/N:_ We get ourselves into the damnedest of circumstances, huh... I guess its part of the job, eh? I know we keep promising Sue-slayage, and it will happen soon. I swear. Um. Yeah.


	12. RubyFlame: chapter eleven

Disclaimer-We own nothing you even vaguely recognize, including but not limited to JRR Tolkien's creations, the necromancy bells and the Abhorsen trilogy (who belong to Garth Nix), and the Keltiad to Patricia Kenneally-Morrison. Nor do we own the PPC, we just work there. The 'Sue and her story belong to LifeMistressGreenleaf, and frankly, we're glad they're not ours. The elvish in this chapter comes from . Yamani glaives are Tamora Pierce's, but were probably based off of the Japanese _naginata_.

**Chapter 11:**

Myth struggled to remember enough Sindarin to communicate with the intimidating Elves standing before her. "Man non." She pointed to herself. She then pointed to the 'Sue. "Uacuteman. Harnoiand. Raugiel." She studied the impassive faces of her captors, hoping against all hope they understood her.

One elf replied in something that sounded moderately familiar that Myth couldn't catch. It was a good thing she was concentrating so hard on translating or she would have been no use whatsoever, that elf being Haldir.  
"Ummm... Dihrena... ach... gaah! I can't remember how to say 'I beg your pardon'! We're doomed."  
"Try again!" Isabel yelled from across the clearing.  
"Diheno?" Myth stammered.

"Ehhm... you… pee pee cee?" Haldir managed to get out.  
Both agent's jaws dropped.

"Okay, _someone_ didn't use the neuralizer correctly! I'm lodging a complaint!" Myth screeched.  
"Uhh... Myth..."  
"Oh, right. Yes! I mean ... no! There's no 'yes' in my dictionary, Quenya or English! Dammit!"  
"Then _nod_ sweetie..."  
"Right!" Myth nodded vigorously.

"This girl... like... before?" Haldir nodded to the Sue. "Bad, bad girl? Hurt land? Hurt mind?"  
Myth nodded even more vigorously than before, clacking her teeth together.

his 'land' sounded like la-ahnd (two syllables) but you could still understand him. Unless you only spoke westron and elvish, like the elves behind him, who were looking very confused.

"We need this girl. The PPC needs her. We'll get rid of her." Myth rubbed her slightly aching jaw.

Haldir probably couldn't understand anything but 'PPC', but he got the gist. He motioned to the other elves, and they all melted back into the trees from whence they'd come, after tying up the 'Sue for Myth and Isabel.

"Well, that was considerate of them," Isabel said perkily as she glanced around the clearing, empty but for the two agents and the 'Sue.

"I'm proud of you, Myth. You didn't collapse into a puddle of goo when you saw Haldir."  
"Haldir? That was _Haldir?"_

"Umm… yeah… You couldn't tell?"

"No! I was a bit preoccupied with keeping our throats from being slit!"

"I doubt they would have slit our throats, Myth. Riddled us with arrows, yes, but slit our throats?"

"The principle still stands!" Myth shook her head and prodded the 'Sue with her foot. "Let's take care of this one, shall we?"

"You know, that sounds real dramatic and all, but we have one portal generator between the three of us, and Diana has it. So now we have to find our way out of Lothlorien and back to Di."

"...True." Myth pondered this. She turned in a slow circle, trying to remember which direction they'd come from. She pointed in a vague direction. "Wasn't that the direction we ran from?"

"You're the one who's good at directions, Myth."

"Uh... look for footprints?"  
"But there were so many people..."  
"Ah, but they were elves. They can walk on snow. Do you really think they'll leave footprints?" Myth warmed to her theory.

"You have a point." Isabel, wanting to waste no time, began scanning the ground for footprints. Myth joined her, and was the one to spot them. "Here they are!" She began following them at full-speed. Isabel went, grabbed the 'Sue, and followed at a slower pace due to the weight inhibiting her motion.

Five minutes later, they emerged from the forest, tired, disheveled, and very, very sweaty.  
"There you are!" Diana cried, "You took _forever_."

They just glared at her, and Isabel dumped the 'Sue in front of Diana. "You hush," said Isabel, wiping her forehead with her sleeve.

"Gimme the portal thing." Myth ordered, holding out her hand.

Diana handed it over, muttering, "You don't have to demand, geez," under her breath.

Myth pressed various different buttons and the glowing blue portal appeared. They shoved Ruby... Megan... whatever through with very little ceremony.  
"That was kinda anticlimactic..." Isabel said, happily chomping away on an apple Myth had stowed in her bag (It was slightly bruised, as Salibalf had been on top of it).

"It may have been anticlimactic, but it got the job done." It was Myth's turn to wipe her forehead. "Now she can keep Morgoth and Sauron company in the Void."

"Yup. Curses! We forgot her eyes!"

"Well, damn. Maybe next time." Isabel shrugged and turned to Diana. "All recruits present and accounted for?"  
Diana lifted (with some difficulty) the bag of recruits. "Isn't it one of you guy's turns to take the bag?"  
"Why yes it is..." Isabel grinned. "I think it's Myth's."  
"I was hoping you'd forgotten," she grumbled as she went to take the bag from Diana.

"Okay. Now, how're we gonna dispose of these two?" Diana inquired.

"We could... do something... horrible... and painful..." Isabel said thoughtfully.  
"Oh, please do not maim us!" Elisha and Ashleigh cried in sync.  
"Okay. Fine." Myth snapped, and, before anyone could ask what she was doing, she yanked her Yamani glaive out of her bag (leaving Ling with a shallow cut on one arm), strode over to the 'Sues, and beheaded Ashleigh. Everyone blinked. Then Elisha began screaming.

"Oh, face your death with some dignity." Myth snarled, bringing her glaive back to run the 'Sue through.

"Wait!" Isabel cried, "She's mine to kill!"  
"Oh... Right... sorry." Myth stepped back.

Isabel strode over to the remaining 'Sue, who was screaming so loudly her whole body was vibrating. She grabbed the girl's hair and slapped her soundly across the face to shut her up. She pulled Elisha's head back by the hair, got right up in her face, and said, "In a nutshell, scoodle-bumpkin." Then she slammed her palm against the 'Sue's nose and up into her brain, killing her with the expression of pants-wetting fear still on her face.

Isabel strode over to the remaining 'Sue, who was screaming so loudly her whole body was vibrating. She grabbed the girl's hair and slapped her soundly across the face to shut her up. She pulled Elisha's head back by the hair, got right up in her face, and said, "In a nutshell, scoodle-bumpkin." Then she slammed her palm against the 'Sue's nose and up into her brain, killing her with the expression of pants-wetting fear still on her face.

Myth gave her the oddest of odd looks. "...Scoodle-bumpkin?"

Isabel shrugged. "I read it in a fanfiction somewhere. I've always wanted to say it."

"Works." Diana said, looking a little green. "Now let's go back."

"Myth!" Isabel snapped, "What are you doing?"  
"I just let them out for a little air..."  
The elves that they'd snatched were out.  
"Fine, let's just go..." Isabel snatched the portal generator from Myth, pressed a few buttons, and stepped through the portal. Myth herded the elves through, and Diana came after her.

Mission accomplished.

_Myth's A/N:_ Stay tuned for... The Aftermath! Yay! No more 'Sue! No more pulverized paragraphs, gutted grammar, or ridiculous redundancies! Until next time, anyway…

_Isabel's A/N:_ It's finished. Oh lord, it's finally finished. Thank Eru that this particular 'Sue is out of the fandom and not doing any more damage. Thanks for reading, everyone, and we'll be back soon with a different (but equally disturbing) story, and The Aftermath (as Myth calls it) of this one. And apparently more alliteration.


	13. RubyFlame: The Aftermath

**The Aftermath**

Isabel stepped out of the portal and was followed quickly by Myth (who, predictably, ended up on the ground, having tripped over Isabel's mini-Aragog, Jhames), Diana (who tripped over Isabel's Mini-Balrog, FrodoÉ, and who, by some amazing feat of physical prowess, managed to stay on her feet), Hlisolf, Ling, Salibalf, Gringath and Pulroth (all five moving with the grace only elves could manage).

Diana turned and addressed the elves. "All right troops, to the recruitment training center!" She grabbed the two nearest elves and dragged them off down a random corridor. The remaining three followed closely, not wanting to be left alone with the scary twitching woman or with the woman who had the scary eyes.

The partners were left in the response center, one humming absently while lying on the floor, the other doodling on a rather large packet of paper on the desk.  
"Attention, attention please!" Both women jumped and looked around wildly for a moment, before realizing that the voice came from an intercom.  
"The sunflower official has a few announcements he would like me to make. Number one: All agents are now required to write reports of their missions, as well as turn in their charge lists."  
"We have to write _reports_?" Myth squeaked.

"We have an intercom?" Isabel asked, opening her eyes.  
"Number two: All new recruits are to report directly to the S.O. That is all. Thank you for your attention." The woman's voice shut off.  
"Well..." Isabel stretched out like a cat and stood up. "You get to write the report, Myth." She walked over to a pile of cushions on the floor while Myth was sputtering.  
"Wha- what the - but - why me?"  
"Because I need to get some sleep before our next mission." She curled up on the pillows, shifted around for a bit, then settled.  
"But... but..."  
"G'night."  
"Stupid senior partners."

Well, that's all for this story, folks. Thank you so much for reading, and keep in touch for upcoming stories! We've got a bunch in the mix. If you spot any out there, send them to us at vic.and. 


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